when it hurts so much…

by s00paw0man

…that you can actually feel your heart breaking.

what is love? i guess no one really knows the answer. but sometimes i can see it within certain couples. the way they laugh together, the way they understand each other, the way they can overcome obstacles together. you can feel it just being around them.

the boyfriend and i just got into a horrible fight. i hate fighting with him and it feels like that’s all we do now. i hate how he puts me down, the way he tears into me and makes me question everything i ever thought about myself. he’s broken me down. i feel like this pathetic excuse of a woman because i allowed my love for him to consume me which has then made him feel like he is allowed to act that way towards me. but it isn’t right.

no person in this world, whether male or female, should allow their significant other to treat them less than what they deserve. i know people, i see the good in them regardless if they’ve done me wrong. i see his heart and i know he has the possibility of loving with all of it, but he lets his anger get the best of him.

it’s always apologizing for the same things over and over again. making promises that are always broken. he says he’s going to make an effort, but when push comes to shove, when that moment comes where he is being tested, where he now has to take his words and turn them into actions – he fails. every time.

ever since i met him, i always believed that fate brought him to me. he was everything i could have asked for, but time was not on our side. so, i waited for him. and through all the waiting and the pain that came with it i convinced myself that he wouldn’t come back. that him and i would not get our chance together…

…but he came back for me.

there are no words to express the joy in my heart to have him in my life again, my best friend. i had him in my life again and i would do whatever it took to keep him there.

i have been in love once before, but i knew this was different. this wasn’t that naive kind of love, but one that had matured. one that was selfless and accepting. all i could ever want was to make him smile, to make him happy. if he felt pain, i felt it twice as much. if he was angered or upset, i would do whatever it took to change that. even if it was just to be there, to listen, to talk, i would be there. i supported him, i stood by him, and i promised him that things will always have a way of working out in the end.

i’m not perfect though, i have my flaws just like every human in this world. i don’t trust easily, i overreact, sometimes i say the wrong things at the wrong time, but i know that no matter what i would never want to hurt him. i could never hurt him because it would only hurt me too.

isn’t that what love is though? you take your partner’s emotions and make them your own. you stand by them, you grow with them and you have the ability of making each other a better person because of that love.

but i don’t make him a better person.

my love for him will not change the way that he is. i told him many times that he will only change for himself and even though he has made promises to make things better, along with my help, he won’t try – he’s not ready.

and i’m the one who is left here, feeling every inch of my heart break.

it’s foolish of me to have thought otherwise. to think we could become that couple that others would look at us and just see the love we have for each other.

i think it’s time i just face it. face the fact that him and i are no longer good for one another. that we only make each other worse.

& nothing hurts more than having to admit that.