trials & tribulations

I’ll take wedding for 600, Alex

Oh, I’m sorry – did you think I meant $600.00? Nono, more like 600 people. Yes, that’s right. I’m about to have my big fat Assyrian wedding.

To me, a 600 guest count has always been the norm. My eyes usually start to bulge out of my head when I hear a guest count of 900 to 1200 people, but it obviously doesn’t stop me from going to them – who doesn’t like an open bar?

No one ever really prepares you for how much money actually goes into a wedding. You plan out little details here and there, “I’m going to have this for my wedding!” and then you see how much “this” costs – things change. Weddings are expensive as is; now multiply dinner plates, center pieces, chairs, and everything else in between times 600 people or 60 tables and it’s a whole other ball game. Some people would laugh, or maybe even cry, if they knew how much my wedding was going to cost – with this money and maybe 400 people less, I could be having a Cinderella wedding with all the trimmings instead of just your basic Assyrian wedding that everyone goes to 27 times a year because we just can’t seem to stop getting married.

I know some of you would also think, “Damn, I don’t even know 600 people I could invite.”  Well, jokes on you because neither do I! Probably half of my wedding will be filled with faces that I’ve never seen before, yet there they are. I’m sure it all sounds crazy, but like I said, that’s just how Assyrians roll. Would it have been more cost efficient and easier for us to have a guest count of 200? Sure. Would we have more fun with just being surrounded by close family and friends at our wedding? Most likely. But we are genetically programed to have obnoxious sized weddings –  we just can’t help it. We have big families, and those families have families and God forbid we don’t invite our parents neighbor from back home that no one has spoken to in at least 8 years, but I digress.

To be honest, I couldn’t run from it even if I wanted to. It’s our culture, it’s who we are. We love weddings and we like them big (that’s what she said). I’ve dreamt of nothing else than having an Assyrian entrance as husband and wife for the first time – it’s my favourite part & now I’ll get to have it.



Well then…

Remember the guy that I used to date? You know, the guy that was pretty much the reason as to why I started this blog to begin with, which I quit after two posts and went MIA for almost 4 years? Yeah, him.

Today I found out an interesting piece of information.

Turns out…he’s gay.

Yes, that’s right – he’s gay. After all that time and anguish I felt during our relationship and it turns out he was having his own inner battle inside of himself. A lot of things make sense now – I mean, I had my inklings and confessed to a few close friends that he may be gay, but that was just girl talk and maybe even me being a bit bitter – trying to make it seem like nothing was wrong with me and that I wasn’t being a complete lunatic near the end of it (even though I’m sure I was–no no, I know I was). I guess my instincts were on point and he, in fact, is gay.

I never had any closure from that relationship, never understood why he did the things he did or treated me how he did, but I guess now in a way, I do.

I’m happy for him though. Even though we no longer speak and he may never hear these words come out of my mouth, I can honestly say that I am  happy that he’s living his life how he wants to and doesn’t have to hold himself back anymore. I am sure he is probably a much happier person because of it as well, which is all I had ever wanted for him.

But is it wrong or selfish of me to think that maybe a phone call or text message about this news directly from him would have been nice? He knew how hurt I was during the course and by the end of our relationship. I had spent three years either with him, waiting for him, loving him, or getting hurt by him. This could have been my closure. Meh, it’s not that important anyways, at least I know the truth now, whether it came from him or not.

He’s gay – wow! I think it’s going to be a few days before I get over this.

Like I said, I’m happy for him and I hate knowing that he had to hide this for who knows long or that there are people out there who still feel the need to hide their true selves. Nothing is worth hiding who you are and making yourself miserable because of it. Everyone deserves to be happy and to love who they want to love – remember that!

Anyways, that’s all I gotta say (which I think was more than I had originally intended) – goodnight folks!

How he proposed!

We took a trip back in October of 2016 to the Deerhurst Resort which is located in Huntsville, Ontario. This past year I’ve been more into making and editing short videos, so I told my fiancé that I really wanted to make one while we were on our mini vacay. Bada-bing, bada-boom! You got yourself a proposal.

Keep in mind that the actual proposal itself in the video is real (some people were confused when I had shared it, which is why I felt like the background story was necessary).

Click here to watch!

Woah there, Nellie!

I think I just experienced the biggest ‘flashback Friday’. I honestly thought this blog had disappeared for good because it’s clearly been ages since I last wrote in it or even stepped foot on it.

My, my, my…how the times have changed. In case anyone is wondering – which I’m sure no one is because I literally have a following of minus two people (I’m sure that’s possible) – I am no longer with the crazy boyfriend who used to tear me down just to bring himself up. Long story short, I think at the end he just wasn’t whole-heartedly in the relationship. Just when you think it couldn’t have gotten worse, it got worse. The lies were never stopping, promises were always broken and I, thankfully, reached my boiling point that I had mentioned once so long ago. I called it quits and ran for the hills. & that was the end of that (this happened just over four years ago p.s.)

What has happened since then you ask? Well, let me tell you.

I’m now teeter tottering my way into my 28th year of existence. I am in a loving relationship with my newly fiancé for almost three years now and I’m currently in school so that I can hopefully have a better career to support all the bills that are yet to come.

But back to the fiancé…

Can you believe it? Engaged. I made it. I found the light at the end of the tunnel and I got through with someone I can actually call my best friend because he treats me like one. It’s crazy how love can blind you so much, how things that aren’t considered normal or healthy in a relationship, you make yourself believe otherwise. At least I can say I am no longer that foolish and I don’t stand for any type of crap. I’m stronger, I’m wiser, a little fatter, but I’m happy. I’m with someone who respects me, who does anything to make me happy, who supports me and just cares about me. He never ignores me, he never tries to bring me down, and he always keeps his promises. 

& now we are on our way to planning our big fat wedding – coming to a theatre near you May 2018. So, let’s just say that things are good. I can’t promise I’ll be keeping up to date with this – I have been wanting to start vlogging for a while now, but I’m the worst for keeping up with anything. Magically I was able to track down the right login and password (from the millions we all have) and I just wanted to leave a post behind for any wandering soul who may accidentally stumble on my page. I wanted them to know that love is out there, you just have to be patient and don’t settle for anything less you deserve.

Anyways, it’s been a slice…for now…maybe. 

P. S. Look at me trying to use capital letters and commas like I know what I’m doing =)


four days & counting

i just don’t get it.

i’ve always considered myself to be a good person, with a good heart. i would do anything i possibly could for the people that i love especially my significant other. i do not take the word or feeling of “love” lightly. when i do love someone, i love them with all of me.

but to be accused of nonsense? to be accused of being a liar – oh no, wait, a drunken liar to be exact, is just beyond me.

whenever the boyfriend & i get into an argument, if he’s done something to upset me, i’m always quick to forgive. but for him on the other hand? he has completely shut me out of his life for 4 days because of something he has made up in his crazy head.

how do you get past it? when you know in your heart who you are as a person and what you would do for your significant other, but they’re sitting there on the sidelines telling you otherwise. who gives someone the right to dictate who you are as a human being? i would never betray him or lie to him because i have absolutely nothing to hide. he means the world to me – i could sleep next to him every night, wake up to him every morning and spend all of my days with him, but to him i am an attention-seeking, douche bag of a liar – fantastic! because what girl doesn’t want her boyfriend to think of her in that way? (that’s me being sarcastic, in case you couldn’t tell).

every person has their point of no return, that point where enough is enough. the sad part is i just haven’t gotten there yet. i keep hoping things will get better and i keep trying to find the light at the end of that tunnel, but i think some sick bastard has turned it off on me when i wasn’t looking.

just got wait it out until he breaks this silence, but the first thing he better say to me is “i’m sorry for making up ridiculous things in my crazy head” or else i won’t even want to hear it.

– till next time.

when it hurts so much…

…that you can actually feel your heart breaking.

what is love? i guess no one really knows the answer. but sometimes i can see it within certain couples. the way they laugh together, the way they understand each other, the way they can overcome obstacles together. you can feel it just being around them.

the boyfriend and i just got into a horrible fight. i hate fighting with him and it feels like that’s all we do now. i hate how he puts me down, the way he tears into me and makes me question everything i ever thought about myself. he’s broken me down. i feel like this pathetic excuse of a woman because i allowed my love for him to consume me which has then made him feel like he is allowed to act that way towards me. but it isn’t right.

no person in this world, whether male or female, should allow their significant other to treat them less than what they deserve. i know people, i see the good in them regardless if they’ve done me wrong. i see his heart and i know he has the possibility of loving with all of it, but he lets his anger get the best of him.

it’s always apologizing for the same things over and over again. making promises that are always broken. he says he’s going to make an effort, but when push comes to shove, when that moment comes where he is being tested, where he now has to take his words and turn them into actions – he fails. every time.

ever since i met him, i always believed that fate brought him to me. he was everything i could have asked for, but time was not on our side. so, i waited for him. and through all the waiting and the pain that came with it i convinced myself that he wouldn’t come back. that him and i would not get our chance together…

…but he came back for me.

there are no words to express the joy in my heart to have him in my life again, my best friend. i had him in my life again and i would do whatever it took to keep him there.

i have been in love once before, but i knew this was different. this wasn’t that naive kind of love, but one that had matured. one that was selfless and accepting. all i could ever want was to make him smile, to make him happy. if he felt pain, i felt it twice as much. if he was angered or upset, i would do whatever it took to change that. even if it was just to be there, to listen, to talk, i would be there. i supported him, i stood by him, and i promised him that things will always have a way of working out in the end.

i’m not perfect though, i have my flaws just like every human in this world. i don’t trust easily, i overreact, sometimes i say the wrong things at the wrong time, but i know that no matter what i would never want to hurt him. i could never hurt him because it would only hurt me too.

isn’t that what love is though? you take your partner’s emotions and make them your own. you stand by them, you grow with them and you have the ability of making each other a better person because of that love.

but i don’t make him a better person.

my love for him will not change the way that he is. i told him many times that he will only change for himself and even though he has made promises to make things better, along with my help, he won’t try – he’s not ready.

and i’m the one who is left here, feeling every inch of my heart break.

it’s foolish of me to have thought otherwise. to think we could become that couple that others would look at us and just see the love we have for each other.

i think it’s time i just face it. face the fact that him and i are no longer good for one another. that we only make each other worse.

& nothing hurts more than having to admit that.

allow me to introduce myself…

so, it begins.

for a long time, i’ve always felt like i wanted to write, but it had to be something of my own. whether it be my experiences, or things going around me or even a rant here and there. you know? the usual blog stuff.

this will now be my not so private diary for the world to see.

i come from a place they call steel city and i’m entering my last year before becoming a quarter of a century old. i have a few close friends and a boyfriend i adore. you’ll have the pleasure of hearing about all of it. and of course, you’ll get the random posts of things i find amusing, funny, or irritating.

my name is stella, & this is my life.

by the way, please ignore my improper use of commas and disregard for capitals. ‘ain’t nobody got time for that’